Month: June 2017

Now What?

Frank conversation with my cells ( and you know who you are )

There are just too many memories to detail, but I know you remember them, every one, because you were there. We were a solid team but most importantly we were together, unified. I have never understood why but seems that in our late 20’s you decided to go in another direction. You made things difficult for me, put me through pain and worry. When I first became aware of that, I was angry with you and, well, against you. I wanted you to go away, never see you again. That seemed to work and you appeared to be working in with me again, we were again a solid unified front, navigating love, marriage, babies, work, loss, heartache, joy~ you know, everything together again. I know it wasn’t perfect, I still worried you may go back to your old ways, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but after so many years of you being your trusted old self I could rely on you, I relaxed, and convinced that once again you were my friend.
I am not certain when it began to change or why, but you began to drift away and you deserted the friend zone once again. Although you have caused me a lot of trouble and pain, this time I am not ready to give up on you. You know the phrase Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer..that is what I decided to do. I am ready to do whatever it takes to work this out. Although you have taken away so many of my friends, leaving their families in pain and grief, I am not going to give up, I will do what ever I can to win you back once again, to be my ally, my friend. I will change my diet for you, take supplements and injections, spend time each day dedicated to just you, travel to Germany to work on our relationship and what ever it takes to win back that friendship that made us better together. Everything we have worked for and dreamed about has happened, our family is better than we could have imagined. We put so much time and love into staying home and spending time with our girls and they have grown into lovely vital human beings.
I am not ready to leave them, so I am asking you, begging you, to stay with me, work with me, go back to our life together. I can help you, I will do everything possible as there is still so much work to be accomplished, and so much life to be lived. We can reap all of the rewards from the effort and time we have invested, to enable us to now appreciate our husband, our children, and hopefully their children. I will do whatever I can to make you my friend once again, just please do not make me choose because I do not want to leave with you. I want to stay.

The Meltdown

First you meltdown. I did. I holed up in my house for over 10 weeks either researching like mad or watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives, which I had already watched in it’s entire 180 episodes:) Receiving a no cure prognosis was mind blowing and life changing for my family. Each one of us went to a very dark place, so I began to scour the internet for a cure~ anything to bring my family back to the way we all were BC ( before cancer). While I did not find a cure I found many immune building treatment and I had the stand if it did not hurt me, I would give it a try.

Let’s go back to the no cure prognosis which was never asked for. The first oncologist I met with gave me a rapid list of diagnosis, prognosis and treatments available for me. It was head spinning but when she told me there was no cure and I had 1 to 5 years to live, I held up my hand and asked why she told me that. She went on to explain that I was one of the more fortunate patients as many she had to tell to go home and get their affairs in order. Thank you for giving me no hope- SAID NO ONE EVER! I made certain that in the following opinions that sought that no one would be allowed to tell me my life expectancy. Our minds are very powerful.. they can lead us to victory or defeat. Affirmations do indeed strengthen us by helping us believe in the potential of an action we desire to manifest. When we verbally affirm our dreams and ambitions, we are instantly empowered with a deep sense of reassurance that our wishful words will become reality.

Previous research has suggested that including negative words, such as “not,” in the middle of a sentence can throw off our brains and make it more difficult to understand.

The unconscious mind doesn’t hear negatives. So if you say I do not want to have cancer, are you really only hearing cancer? I try to re-phrase all my affirmations and thoughts to be the goal: I will be healthy by changing my lifestyle habits.  I do not want to die vs I am getting healthier and my life force is stronger.

I have walked in both places of dire and hope. I choose hope and realize only I could get myself to it. I was with no joy for longer than I would like to admit, and while not a light switch, it becomes a dimmer switch. Looking back I can see that I little by little “undimmed” and regained my joy. Along the way, so did my family. So it was not easy, not over night, but a steady plan that I worked each day to get where I wanted to be.

You do not decide the diagnosis, however you do decide how to handle it. Empower yourself with information, gather your options and get your dimmer switch to joy once again. ♥

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Tips To Keeping Your Sh*T Together

Here’s the thing: I do not have to be reverent. I developed this site to inform and be honest, and to share the obsessive research that I gather. I have never been one for support groups which is not saying they are aren’t helpful for so many, just not my thing. Rather for me.. I get a problem and I need a solution.

When I was first diagnosed of cancer in 1992, there was no internet, or much of any information to be had. It was BPR; Before the Pink Ribbon. I know right? it is difficult to imagine now that we spend the month of October in the Pink Stink, AKA the non-stop promotion about BC Awareness. I think we can all agree that we are now aware of cancer, now it is time for a cure.

So now that I am in Stage IV I only care about a cure? Yeah, so what? Navigating cancer for over 25 years makes me uncomfortably aware of how little has changed since I was promoting awareness in 1992. Does it make me sit sideways, Hella Yes!

I have learned that what I have learned is what has made my stress ease and fear subside. Knowledge is completely empowering and never ending, so begin and continue learning all you can. Think about why you got cancer in the first place which may be helpful in choosing the right treatments to heal yourself. For me, I got very ill in my late 20’s with Mono/Epstein Barr. I noticed that after that my health changed completely, I developed allergies, had numerous root canals, fibromyalgia, hypothyroid and just always got sick with the illness du jour.

For me building my immune system made the most sense, so anything that would go against that in conventional treatments usually got nixed by me. That gives way to intuition and it’s importance, listening to your mind and your body, thinking it all through and making a plan that can work for you. ♥

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